Teachers Write, Week 3 – Word by Word: Fine Tuning Language As You Revise

Welcome to Week 3 of Teachers Write! In last week’s camper survey, many of you shared that you’re working on picture books and/or poetry, both forms that depend on economy of language, where every word truly counts. So this week, we’re going to take a look at fine tuning. My next novel, THE TROUBLE WITH HEROES, will be out in April, and it’s written mostly in verse. I don’t have a cover to share with you quite yet, but it’s a story about hiking and self-discovery, featuring an angry middle school boy and a dog that he’s trying hard not to love. (And yes, this one was inspired by my own journey to become an Adirondack 46er!) 

When I was revising this book, I realized that in addition to all of the usual jobs of revising a novel, I needed to focus on the shape and feel of each individual poem as well. One of the texts I found helpful was The Art of Revising Poetry by Charles Finn and Kim Stafford, which includes both rough and final drafts from various poets, along with essays about how they revised their poems.

It’s brilliant and inspired me to create a list of strategies — guide posts to work with as I revised the poems in THE TROUBLE WITH HEROES. I made sure to spend time focusing on each of these elements.

1. Title – Are you using the title to do some of the work of the poem? Rather than just pulling a word or phrase from the poem, how can the title help to make the transition or create a double entendre? Can it help to frame a metaphor? In a novel in verse, the title can sometimes be used to propel the story forward or provide context (with a title like “The Next Morning” or “After the Funeral.”)

2. First and last lines – Your first and last lines are the most important in your poem. The first has to be intriguing or evocative enough to pull the reader in. And your last line must leave them with something. It can be a feeling, a laugh, a gut punch. It can be a question. Or a settling, a resolution. In a novel in verse, it can also propel your reader into the next poem. 

3. Geography – What is the shape of this poem on the page? And does that shape match what it’s trying to do? Is this a moment for white space or pouring out of words? And should those words come in a trickle or a cascade, or a wall? 

4. Line Breaks – The end of each line should represent a conscious choice. Most often, that line break will come when you’d like to reader to pause just for a beat. Sometimes, when a poem presents a series of images, line breaks work to separate them as if each is a snapshot of its own. Sometimes line breaks play with meaning, leaving a word hanging so it stands alone or takes on another connotation. Sometimes, line breaks spill over to create a feeling of breathlessness or anticipation or tension. Experiment with your line breaks. Try out different variations to see how they change the meaning and feel of the poem.

5. Images and strong verbs – What strong images do the lines of this poem paint in the reader’s head, and how can you revise to make those images more striking or surprising? How can each verb in those poem be more powerful? It’s a good exercise to go through with a highlighter to mark all of the verbs. Then play around with them to make sure each is conveying the exact action you intend. Audition other verbs to see if one might be stronger. Choose the best one. 

6. Balance familiar and surprising words. Poetry should contain some surprising language. But in a poem built of nothing but unusual words, there are no surprises. Casual language, chosen carefully, can pack just as much of a punch, and that will allow surprising words to shine — to truly surprise — when you choose to use them.

7. Where does the poem turn? Where is there a shift in mood or meaning, and how can you use the craft of poetry — the word choice and geography and line breaks — to enhance that turn? 

8. When you’ve finished revising, read the poem aloud again. Listen closely. Is there a stronger opening line buried somewhere in the middle? Is there a cleaner exit that you might use as your last line? 

Here’s a peek at one of my first drafts — and then the final draft — of a poem from THE TROUBLE WITH HEROES. 

Our Teachers Write guest authors this week have some more brilliant tips for fine-tuning language in your current manuscript, whether you’re working on poetry, picture books, or novels. 

“One thing I always do when revising on the line level is to look out for ‘filter words’: words that relay that a character is processing, but not what they’re processing. If the viewpoint of the sentence is already in the character’s mind, these words can generally be cut. For example, notice the filter words in the following sentences:
Harry tapped his foot impatiently. He noticed that Beth was arriving to school later and later. He watched the rest of the students in the class greet their friends, but his best friend? He felt like she was nowhere to be seen.

Look how much lighter the text feels when we cut the filter words:
Harry tapped his foot impatiently. Beth was arriving to school later and later. The rest of the students in the class greeted their friends, but his best friend? She was nowhere to be seen.”

~Eliot Schrefer, author of THE DARKNESS OUTSIDE US and THE BRIGHTNESS BETWEEN US (coming on 10/1) 

“Think of your manuscript as a plant, and the revision process as pruning. Whether it’s big picture revising, or line-by-line reviewing, the concept is the same. Consider carefully which paragraph, word, or scene you can delete, and which is absolutely essential to propelling the story forward. Analyze how you can prune this plant or hedge to make it smoother, sleeker, less cumbersome. How you can trim the excess leaves and branches in order to allow the flowers to shine? This is what revision is, and sometimes it means cutting off perfectly good off-shoots to benefit the plant overall.”

~Saadia Faruqi (photo credit QZB Phorography), author of the Yasmin series and Saving Sunshine

“The best way to liven up a manuscript, especially for a picture book, is to do a quick search for all of the forms of the word verb “be” (is, was, are, were, am, being, etc). Many can, and should, be eliminated. “How?” you ask? Three simple steps.

1. First, figure out if you even need that phrase at all. Is Ophelia sad? Is it possible you’ve already made it clear that she’s sad through the rest of your brilliant prose? You might be able to just cut “Ophelia is sad” entirely from the story to tighten it up.
2. Maybe you decide you need to make it more clear that “Ophelia is sad.” Instead of telling the reader what’s happening, show them by changing “Ophelia is sad” to “Ophelia cried” or “tears slipped down Ophelia’s cheeks.”
3. Are you writing a book that will have illustrations? Change that phrase “Ophelia is sad” into an illustration note [illo: Ophelia is sad].

Bonus: You can also do #2 & #3 for other boring-ish words besides ‘be’ – like went, got, walked, etc.”
 
~Josh Funk (photo credit Carter Hasegawa),  author of ATTACK OF THE SCONES (Lady Pancake & Sir French Toast #6)

Take some time this week to try out these fine-tuning strategies on your work in progress, and we’ll be back next week to address more of your revision questions, including pacing, mentor texts, and how to know when you’re done. 

Don’t forget to check in with Educator & author Jen Vincent for Friday’s Weekly Check-Ins at her new space: storyexploratory.substack.com. This is an opportunity to reflect on your writing practice, share the ups and downs of the week, and most importantly, really celebrate yourself. 

And mark your calendar for next week! On July 31st, authors and writing teachers Jo Knowles and Rob Costello will host a free Revise and Shine Zoom workshop just for Teachers Write participants! Revise and Shine is a community of writers who offer critiques, retreats, and other services for passionate writers, and you can learn more about it here. We’ll include the Zoom link in next week’s newsletter. 

Have a great week and happy revising! 

Best,
Kate